After our Members of Parliament are paid to amend the Constitution of the Republic of Uganda by removing the presidential age limits, I propose that one of the NRM babies tables another new bill.
Since the idea is to have Museveni ruling Uganda forever, this bill will go much further than the treacherous amendments of merely removing presidential term limits, or age limits. Oh yes! We shall call the bill:
“A BILL TO ENSURE THAT MUSEVENI RULES UGANDA FOREVER AND EVER.”
The short name of the bill will be either:
“THE ANTI-PRESIDENTIAL EXPIRATION BILL OF 2016” or
“THE MUSEVENISM ELONGATION BILL OF 2016”.
- This private member’s bill will ensure that Museveni rules Uganda long after he is either demented and senile, or even dead.
- The bill will aim at immortalizing Museveni’s rule because as a demi-god, he is way cuter, smarter, richer, stronger, meaner, fiercer and shrewder than any Ugandan citizen – be they living, deceased or even unborn. He is the true giver of peace and discoverer of oil.
- An annual presidential allowance to procure plastic surgery, rejuvenation through botox, and hair replacement must be created in the national budget. Statehouse must recruit presidential expert botox-refillers, and make-up artists to ensure that Museveni looks fresh and energetic all year round.
- When the effects of degenerative dementia threaten to be too obvious not to disrupt or threaten the presidential thought pattern, start buying Museveni a box of baby-soothers to stick into his mouth and suck on during meetings. Uganda does not need a thinking president, let alone a clear-headed one.
- Retirement is a dangerous symptom of the ageist agenda. Presidential retirement must be treated as treason. Those who either promote, or aid and abet presidential retirement must be arrested, flown in helicopters to Moroto Prisons, followed by flown in more helicopters to Luzira Upper Prison and then charged with the death penalty if found guilty.
- Even in death, Museveni must continue ruling Uganda. Neither old age nor mortality will end this presidential term because better the devil you know than some angel you don’t. Museveni’s death must be fought tooth and nail. A branch of Special Forces Unit will be recruited, trained, armed to the teeth to fight the spirit of death, and any purveyors of the same morbid spirit. Anyone plotting to deaden Museveni will be treated to the ‘shoot to kill’ order.
- Preserving the cherished traditional customs of the people of Uganda demands that the corpse must be disposed of by one’s family. So be it. However, a team of mortuary specialists must remove vital body parts of Museveni to sit in State House and continue ruling Uganda. To that effect, a pair of canines, a piece of oblongata, an auricle, a palm, a single big toe, and his powerful manhood (incluing all the presidential hairs, rod and both balls) must expertly be removed from his body for embalming. After embalming, these presidential essentials will be sat in his beloved hat, and taken to all venues and occasions necessitating Museveni’s intervention.
- This bill is above any pre-existing statutes that challenge its constitutionality. Once passed into an Act of Parliament, this law will be above any nullifying or voiding powers.
- Uganda must negate any prior commitments made to the international community through ratification of instruments or signing of treaties that go against the spirit and letter of this bill.
Stella Nyanzi, the author is a lecturer at Makerere Institute of Social Research [MISR].