Satire: If our presidential candidates came to your house for a cup of tea


Candidates hold hands during the Saturday February 13 presidential debate at Kampala Serena hotel

Yesterday, chief opposition leader, Kizza Besigye was detained by police for reasons best known to them.

Besigye was supposed to be campaigning at Makerere University’s Freedom Square.

While the incumbent he YK Museveni was in the same place last Friday. One thing is for certain, Besigye is a crowd puller.

Yes, when you attend his campaign rallies it is much fun, and crowded unlike the incumbent Museveni whose rallies aren’t so much fun and is less crowded.

On the other hand, when Besigye was coming in or neighborhood, word started passing around the night before.

And by morning people where eager on the roads waiting for The Man Himself” when he came through, my God, I had never seen such love before. People ran after the car, young children, the old, the young, the middle aged.

I even saw people in towels running and waving so as to see the man himself. They ran after his car to wherever he was going to hold his rally.

This got me thinking do people love Besigye or it’s just the heat of the moment. When I chatted with some of those running after Besigye’s cars they said, “kigwa leero”,   “ono ye waffe”tujja mulonda kama mbaya ni mbaya” meaning it ends this time, this is our man, we shall vote for him come rain or shine.

At Besigye’s rally, the people, the voters were determined to vote for their man, at Museveni’s rally he was determined to win.

So I asked myself, these people who loved Besigye, would they, invite him to their house for a cup of tea.

A house is a very delicate thing. It’s your place of comfort, security, peace and even happiness.

So here is a list of what each presidential candidate would look like as a guest and visitor in your home.

President Museveni: would be that visitor who comes in, cracks jokes, orders you around and surprisingly knows all the proverbs in your mother tongue. He would be the guest who comes in and calls his son in the village to join him, in your house.  However, deep down you would read on his face that he is an angry guest. And he would require you to have no other visitors in the period of his visit to your house. Museveni would be that guest who over stays his visits and threatens you if you mention about his departure. Beside all that, he would be that sweet guest scary cracking jokes and making you uneasy at the same time.

Kizza Besigye: Would be the angry guest with good intentions. Besigye would be that guest who speaks in anger, an anger that you can relate with, anger too, caused by your long awaited reply to his pleas to come into your house. Anger that scares and surprises you, and at the same time an anger that gives you hope. Besigye would be that guest you see and you harvest the best biggest banana in your gardens and slaughter the fattest of your goats for him. Despite his anger, you would love Besigye as a guest. Besigye is that guest who would open your eyes about the present situation in your house, advise you and help you with renovating your house. Besigye would be that guest who you yearn to invite in your house, but for some reason, it always rains heavily on the days he wants to visit you. So he would never come to your house.

Amama Mbabazi: Amama Mbabazi would be that guest who comes into your house with a lot of gifts, sits down, lets you eat his gifts and then put his demands on the table. Amama is that guest whom you see and ask questions. Who has he come with, when is he leaving, what does he want, is he with the previous guest or the next one? Mbabazi would be that candidate you see and say. . . Alas!!!

Breezy J Mabirizi: the comic hero. Breezy j would be that guest who lights up the house. When he is in your house he makes you forget all your worries, even your own poverty. Breezy j would be that candidate who makes you laugh so much you forget all his bright ideas and sense.

Maureen Kyalya: this one would be that candidate who screams to get into your house, and when she gets there, she would scream to get out. Kyalya would be that guest who criticizes all your former and upcoming guests. Kyalya, Kyalya, that one also. She would be that guest whom you don’t trust because she is everywhere.

Abed Bwanika: Abed would be your brightest guest. The one who knows how to change a bulb, milk a cow, dress up a baby and even speak in tongues. However, you would be bored by his knowledge. You wouldn’t give much attention to abed the guest as you’re too busy with your worries and problems with your other ‘permanent guest’

Maj Gen Biraaro: Aha! Biraaro would be that respectful guest with a good heart and good brain. He has bright ideas and unlike all other guests, he has a more sober temper, voice, tone and a sober approach to everything. Oh, Biraaro! You would say when he leaves.

Baryamureeba: would be the bright guest who whines for attention. He would be that guest who has an IT approach to everything.

By voting any candidate, you are inviting their policies, weaknesses, strengths to your house. You will live with their decisions, policies and mistakes in your house for the next five years. So when you go out to vote, on Thursday, choose a candidate you make a guest and roommate.  SO the question is to you now, which presidential candidate would you invite to your house?

Nakitto Irene, the author, is a teacher of English and Literature


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