Makerere university don and satirist Dr Stella Nyanzi has fired at haters who accuse her of sleeping with opposition leader Kizza Besigye.
Here is her full response:
Pea-brained naysayers cannot fathom how a brainy hot sexy thing such as myself waxes incessant praise for President Kizza Besigye. While some allege that he pays me cash to write against the incumbent regime, others accuse me of sexually servicing him. Goats with dead brains and loud meees!
Look: I love Dr. Besigye. I voted for him as my president this February 2016, after not voting in 2011 and 2006 before. Ono omukulu mwagala bya namadala, ansuuza ne mu bipipa nga njanjawaza amapenzi genina gyali. But my love is pure and platonic. It is more like a deep admiration and huge respect for his ideals than it is a sexual ka-boom! He inspires me to believe in the end of Museveni’s despotic regime. Besigye’s resilience and tenacity fuel me to kick off resignation and complacency towards the status quo. He shifts the scent of liberation from the abstract to reality.
The idle haters mock me, claiming we lost badly to the incumbent. Loud clanging empty gongs! Didn’t you hear President Besigye explaining that he beat Museveni in the polls, getting 52% and Musanvu only managed a meagre 45% after rigging the elections very badly? We won the presidential elections. Period. Hiyo mambo ya Kiggundu siasa mbaya tu. Besigye won the presidential elections.
If the idea that President Besigye pays me to write in praise of him were not too impracticable to be ridiculous, it would be as laughable as bad bathroom humour! For starters, we are neither acquaintances nor friends. I am certain that the gallant gentleman would both miss me in a room of people, and also walk right past me if our paths ever met. I am his incognito admirer. Based on this firm distance betwixt us both, how would Besigye pay me? Incidentally, the day that I start charging money for my facebook posts is the day I will stop posting.
Now, about serving the People’s President from the bounty of my sizzling spicy sex menu, my deep respect for the swaggerific man restrains me. My admiration for his amazing wife kills any lustful desires that could have otherwise arisen in my adult loins. See? I don’t do married men. I flee from adultery.
But heh, supposing I were to make love with him, we would hump away like the bunny rabbits that advertise Energiser batteries. Haven’t you observed his strong presidential back and big tender fingers created to play his lover’s body like a string guitarist making fine music? Haven’t you observed his expressive big eyes and his ample lips created to deliver a passionate lover’s kisses? If I sexed Besigye, I would be honoured to take him to heaven and back. Now haters, hate!